I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
