Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
