She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
