note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
