apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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