fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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