Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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