It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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