we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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