I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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