then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
