in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
And then he peed in my hair
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