living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You've changed since you got that strap on
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You ever have a fart follow you around?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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