dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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