I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
