dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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