3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
