just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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