I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
