It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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