Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
