You just made me feel so damn special
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
