her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
