remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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