you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
