i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
