Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
