i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
