im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
