I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
