Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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