i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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