but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I touched a dick in church today
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
