If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
