I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
