I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
