You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
