I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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