Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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