Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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