I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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