Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
