someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
