I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
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I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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