Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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