I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
