i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
