I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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