youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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