the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
