have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize