I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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