dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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