I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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