would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
