pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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