too bad you live with your parents still
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
