I faked an abortion last night.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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